I have always dreamed, I guess everyone does to some degree. I was the only child and I spent my youth feeling utterly lonely. I didn’t have that many friends and in school I was ridiculed for looking weird. But one thing I always had was the ability to day dream. I would day dream in the way most people see movies, it could be that planned. I could also pick up from where I left things the last time. I dream and have dreamt of a number of things, mostly not about being someone else, but like an enhanced version of myself; spontaneous, smart, funny, thin. And the biggest, most common dream of all was the dream of perfect love. You know, the kind that follows the story line of a movie; happiness, krisis, happy ending. But I never dream of love as myself. In the dream I am different. Lovable. I don’t look like I do in my real life. I’m thinner and prettier. The biggest difference of all, though, is what I do in those dreams; I am a world class scientist or just otherwise incredibly smart.
The most recent dream I have had is one where I am held hostage along with a group of other people. The kidnappers threathen to kill us and threathen us with violence, but I bravely prevent that and get beaten up. And while we are being held hostage and I am showing this brave behaviour, this whole thing is being broadcasted all over the world and everyone sees how brave I am. We in the captivity, of course, don’t have any idea of being taped.
When I was growing up I was dreaming of being a singer. Later I have realized that I wasn’t really that into music (I was never that keen on actually learning to play an instrument or anything), but I was just in love with the idea of adoring fans and the attention. I hated the thought of being ordinary or ‘normal’.
I guess I kind of feel like I have to prove to be worthy of love and respect. Like, I am a loser in my real life, but if I would just do something spectacular I could be loved.
Now as I see that my ex has a new gf and that they are quite happily in love, I often wonder, if I could do that to if I would just give up my dreams. Do I really have a possibility to be happy in this world, when the world of my dreams is so incredibly narsistic?
Is that what they mean when they say, you cant be loved before you learn to love yourself ?
24. kesäkuuta 2008
12. toukokuuta 2008
"You are not in a place; the place is in you." *
May 12th 2008
Song of the day: Click here
Cliché of day: Spring is here!
You know how you sometimes feel surreal, but in a good way, like exited about everything and have that funny feeling in your stomach even when there is not really any reason you should? You know nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen that day, but it's still there. Hope, I guess. And you would want to save that feeling and taste it later, when you feel empty and anguished inside? Today the city was like a scene from a movie, It felt like I was in a foreign country. After the long and devastating winter I didn't almost recognise where I was. People looked happy and I felt happy until I started thinking how a year ago the spring was different. Cosy.
* (Quote by Angelus Silesius)
Song of the day: Click here
Cliché of day: Spring is here!
You know how you sometimes feel surreal, but in a good way, like exited about everything and have that funny feeling in your stomach even when there is not really any reason you should? You know nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen that day, but it's still there. Hope, I guess. And you would want to save that feeling and taste it later, when you feel empty and anguished inside? Today the city was like a scene from a movie, It felt like I was in a foreign country. After the long and devastating winter I didn't almost recognise where I was. People looked happy and I felt happy until I started thinking how a year ago the spring was different. Cosy.
* (Quote by Angelus Silesius)
11. toukokuuta 2008
Welcome to my Blog!
Who is W?
W. Rawley is a 30 year old lesbian from the city S. At the age of 10 she cut her hair off and wore a flannel shirt. After that her sense of fashion has somewhat changed including a few year’s experimenting with long hair and high-heels. During that time, as so many other young people, she also experimented with heterosexuality. That was just a phase.
W. Rawley is a 30 year old lesbian from the city S. At the age of 10 she cut her hair off and wore a flannel shirt. After that her sense of fashion has somewhat changed including a few year’s experimenting with long hair and high-heels. During that time, as so many other young people, she also experimented with heterosexuality. That was just a phase.
W dreams of starting her own company, she has already picked the furniture for the offices. W plays piano and trains for a marathon. Well, she plans on running the god damn thing, but probably never will. And that's just fine, since dreaming of things is actually sometimes much more fun than the achieving the goals.
The nick W.C Rawley that the blogger W uses, comes from the novel Mr. Vertigo by Paul Auster. The book tells the journey of a boy name Walter, who learns to levitate and experiences adventures while travelling around to show off his talent. The W of this Blog feels that she is exited and amazed of all the things that has happened to her. Eventhough life can be boring and sad and so incredibly frustrating, there are those moments, when one gets exited of a new thing, like learning a new language for example, or getting an idea to start writing her very own blog. And at moments like that, the exitement feels like the feet won’t stay on the ground, like one would levitate almost. Mr. Vertigo!
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